You know those moments in life when you do something really stupid and then something bad happens but the bad thing doesn’t even seem that bad because you came to the realization that it could have been so much worse?
Take my cousin for instance. He sped around a backroads curve too fast and got his car lodged in a tree. Miraculously, he made it out with no major injuries.
Sure, the car was totaled and he had to deal with the whole going to the hospital thing instead of hanging out at home like he planned. But who cares—he’s ALIVE.
I’ll bet most all of you have a story that began with your stupidity, had something bad happen in the middle, and ended with you thanking sweet baby Jesus that the level of consequence didn’t match the level of stupidity.
I’m hoping that by sharing my story, you’ll feel less alone with yours.
Death by Golf Cart (Almost)
One summer in middle school, my family visited our cousins in Central Oregon. They had some sweet property that my brother and I took turns using and abusing with a Kubota golf cart my uncle had laying around. We drifted corners, kicked up dust, and mowed over stray bushes.
In case you’re unfamiliar, the Kubota golf cart is like a god compared to regular golf carts. It’s the golf carts of all golf carts. It basically eats those piece of shit regular golf carts for breakfast.
It eats pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shut up, Adam, just look at this picture:
Pretty, ain’t she?
These bad boys are sturdy mothereffers with an automatic dumper on the back, made for picking up heavy stuff over here and hauling the heavy stuff over there. They even have seat-belts.
Kubota golf carts were made for heavy duty work, not for speed and drifting. But that didn’t stop my brother and I from pushing pedal to the metal and pulling the e-brake around a few corners.
We knew how far we could push it (at least we thought we did), because this wasn’t the first time we’ve mobbed in a golf cart. About a year ago, we got our hands on one while helping our dad “set up” for a high school football game. Once the whole setting up part got boring, we ended up cruising around the school campus, grading each other’s driving abilities in two categories: speed and safety.
He usually got around C in speed and a solid A+ in safety.
I, on the other hand, got an A+ in speed and an F- in safety.
F minus, people.
Fast forward to drifting around my uncle’s property in a Kubota–this heavy duty machine combined with my F- for safety made for an initially fun, but ultimately dangerous situation.
Less than a half an hour in, I felt a little too comfortable coming into a curve. I was going to drift this thing like no one’s business. My brother was in the passenger seat just grinning. He knew it too.
We hit the curve fast and I pulled the ebrake to get some good drift action. It gave too much drift action, however.
In a flash, it crashed and hit the ground on the passenger side right where my brother was sitting.
After a few seconds of shock, my brother started breathing heavily once his nerves registered the pain. Then I started breathing heavily when I saw his entire foot smashed under the weight of the heavy Kubota.
I unhooked my seat-belt, climbed out of the driver side door which was in the air now, and screamed for help. My uncle was nearby and ran over to help me lift the Kubota up long enough for my brother to pull his foot out from underneath it.
Once his foot was free, my brother unbuckled his seat-belt and winced as he climbed out of the overturned vehicle. I stood a few feet away, full of embarrassment and wildly looking between my brother, my uncle, and my mom running over to us.
And then the thought hit me: Thank God he was wearing his seat-belt.
If he wasn’t, his whole body would have of fallen out of the passenger side door just before landing. Who knows, it could have been his skull smashed under the Kubota rather than his foot.
The thought still makes me shudder.
He was literally only one seat-belt away from dying. Under a golf cart, no less.
To this day, I still freak out about seat-belts. I always put them on and cannot stand it if I’m with someone else in the car that is not wearing them. Luckily cars will beep incessantly at you now if you don’t have your seat-belt on so that usually convinces the non-compliant people before I have to start yelling.
The Moral of the Story
Wear your friggin’ seat-belt!
And don’t pull a Jordin and drift a Kubota golf cart into the ground.
Because of my stupidity, that day could have been the worst day of my entire life. I could have killed my brother.
Instead, I ended up just breaking his pinky toe.
“But who cares,” I told him, “You’re ALIVE.”
Somehow he didn’t appreciate my lack of sympathy.
If you’ve got a similar story of your stupidity in your own weird life, please share or pass this story on!
It helps people feel less alone with their own weird stories of stupidity when we realize we all have them.
And wear your seatbelt!
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