Ten points to Gryffindor if you know who that guy is. (Shout it out in the comments if you get it!)
If you don’t know, his name is Javier Colon (pronounced like “cologne,” not like the poopy intestine) and he was the very first winner of the hit TV show The Voice. From what I know about him, he’s a humble family man with a serious knack for music.
My 45 minutes alone with this man left me traumatized. This is my story.
45 minutes alone with a celebrity
Even though The Voice brought Javier much of his fame, I was listening to his music even before he went on the show. One of my exes forwarded me his beautifully tragic break up song to spite me but it was actually really good. After listening I was like, “Sorry for your broken heart dude but thanks for the new music!”
The Voice premiered a few months later and I was thrilled to see my beloved Javier Colon kicking ass! Fast forward through the season and we’re at the last two contestants: Javier and…whoever he was up against.
I was still into the whole “emotionally abusive relationship” thing, so I was kind-sorta back with that same ex who first forwarded me Javier’s song. He was organizing an event and Javier was going to be the live entertainment.
AND it was my job to pick Javier up from his hotel and take him to the event.
*Louder Fangirl scream*
I was going to have a solid 45 minutes to chat one-on-one with this talented celebrity and soon to be TV show winner. Plus, I mean…he’s not terrible to look at.
I only had two goals for this encounter: 1) keep my cool and 2) don’t act like a ditz.
Obviously, the title of this post indicates neither of those goals were met.
& how I botched it
His hotel was in an unfamiliar part of town, but with my phone’s GPS, I was able to navigate to his hotel with twenty minutes to spare. I pulled my tiny Toyota Corolla stick shift right in front of the fancy glass doors and waited for an appropriate time to let Javier know I’d arrived. I didn’t want to seem too eager or anything.
Plus, I wasn’t 100% sure about how to get to the venue, so I spent the time studying google maps. After careful memorization, I had a solid mental map and texted him my location.
Can we pause here for a second because I just want to make sure it’s clear that I TEXTED JAVIER COLON. Not just a TV show contestant, but a TV show winner. From my own personal cell phone. To his personal cell phone. Amazing.
And then it went downhill.
When he emerged from the hotel, my sanity slipped away with each step he took toward my car. There he was! A shining light of glory and fame. And I was about to speak actual words to him. I felt like a kid plugging a dam with my finger, watching small cracks burst through the wall around me.
I got out of my car to introduce myself and confidently reached out my hand as he looked past me and said, “Your car is rolling.”
I turned around to see my car heading straight for a cargo van ten feet away. With all the manatee-like grace I could muster, I lunged for the driver’s side door, flung it open, and pulled the e-brake just in time.
I fought off the seat belt I somehow got tangled in and held my head high as I reached out my hand for the second time. He returned the handshake and said it was nice to meet me, but there was a look in his eye that said he was wondering what the hell he was getting himself into.
He then turned his attention to my car and began loading his stuff. It was clear he wasn’t thrilled about riding in such a tiny car and he winced as he folded himself into the passenger seat.
I hopped in the driver’s seat and immediately stated, “I’m a big fan. I listened to you even before you were on The Voice.”
He laughed and probably said something nice but that’s when words stopped making sense for me. My mental map back to the event was gone and I felt like I was seeing everything through a kaleidoscope.
I hesitantly pulled away from the hotel, feeling like I was driving in a fun house. And it didn’t get better.
Once on the road, I drove way too fast, broke way too hard, and had absolutely no idea where I was going. All the while I was struggling to make small talk which I am terrible at as it is.
Eventually, he realized I was not really in control of the vehicle and offered to pull up his GPS.
“I think I know the way,” I insisted.
Thank god he didn’t believe me.
“Uh, it looks like you need to pull a U-turn…” he explained after he punched in the address.
Great. I was going in the exact wrong direction. So much for keeping my cool and not acting like a ditz.
After pulling a U-ie and following his GPS for a few minutes, we passed back by the hotel. I tried my earnest to make the most invigorating small talk he’d ever heard in hopes he wouldn’t recognize where we were. But he totally did.
After another ten minutes of awkward conversation, I hit the jackpot question that got him talking comfortably, “Has anything been different in your personal life now that you’re pretty much famous?”
He went on about how people at the grocery store recognize him now and how his fame is affecting his family. His answers were really sweet but honestly I was just focusing on not crashing.
We pulled into the parking lot of the venue, both thankful to still be alive.
I was surprised he didn’t kiss the ground as soon as he got out.
Once he was gone, I remembered how to drive again and made my way home. I don’t remember much about the rest of that day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I spent it eating cheez-its and watching SpongeBob.
There is no moral to this story
When I mentioned that I am traumatized by this experience, I really mean it.
After he won The Voice, I thought I’d face my fears and download his new album. Big mistake. It was way too soon.
And even though I’ve lost all my other music from that time through the switch of three main computers and god knows how many iPhones, HIS MUSIC IS STILL ON THERE. I’ve tried everything to delete those catchy songs, but they STILL randomly pop up on shuffle play and I have to scramble to push “next” before I have an aneurysm.
I think that might be the universe saying I need to work through the embarrassment from that car ride and move on. Which sounds nice and all, but I think I’ll schedule that as more of a death bed activity.
But for those of you NOT traumatized by this experience, you really should check out his music. His voice is amazing, he’s great with his guitar, and he’s also a fabulous lyricist. And his voice is amazing.
Have you ever met a celebrity? Please tell me it went better for you than it did for me.
But also, if it went worse…you can tell me that, too. =]