Photo by Mitchell Orr
If you’ve ever made a fool of yourself at a school dance, you aren’t alone. I can personally attest to this.
Even though I only went to a total of five school dances, I managed to have bad experiences at every single one.
Don’t believe me?
I’ll prove it.
Bad Experience #1
My very first school dance was in 6th grade. It was an informal, after school kind of dance, where they just turn off half the gymnasium lights and let a bunch of middle schoolers run around for a while.
I didn’t know many people because I hadn’t been in the school district for long. And to make matters worse, it was after the spreading the love debacle, which left me with even less friends.
Toward the end of the event, I was bummed that no one asked me to dance. My prospects were limited, though, since I was taller than every boy except one.
His name was Chance and even though he wasn’t all that cute, I was desperate enough to make a move. I asked the one friend I had to run over to the group of boys he was huddled around and ask him to ask me to dance.
I positioned myself out of sight but within earshot. I wish I wouldn’t have.
After she explained who this “Jordin” girl was, he responded with a loud, “Eww, no!”
Bad Experience #2
The second dance I ever went to was in 7th grade. I moved schools again since the last dance, so I knew even less people.
My crush, Michael, was dating another girl at the time, so I was having a miserable time watching them dance together.
Then a brilliant idea came to me: why don’t I just get a boyfriend of my own to take my mind off things for the night?
I looked around and noticed a boy I hardly knew named Andrew in a group of his friends. I’d heard rumors that he thought I was cute, so I walked right up to him and asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend.
He said yes and asked if I wanted to dance. I said no, but he could hold my hand. He seemed so happy with that, but as soon as we sat down I was in clear view of Michael dancing with his girlfriend again and went back to being miserable.
Then, after totally avoiding Andrew for two whole days, I dumped him.
Woops. Sorry, man.
Bad Experience #3
I moved to a brand new school again in 8th grade (just by the way, moving schools so much totally sucked).
I thought I’d make some more friends at the first dance of the year by showing off my belly roll. Not like, the rolls on my stomach—I’m talking about the dance move. Although showing the rolls on my stomach might have been less embarrassing.
Apparently, the “belly roll” dance move is supposed to be subtle and seductive. My belly roll dance move was more like a vertical “worm.” It took up way too much space.
It consisted of shoving my head forward, sticking my butt out as far as I could, and dramatically rolling my body all the way down to my feet. Not pretty.
I saw a popular girl I sort of knew dancing by herself after her friend went to get some water. It looked like she was trying to do the belly roll, but to me, it was clear she needed some help. I walked over and showed her how it should be done. When I finished, she had a big smile on her face and looked impressed.
I felt so proud of myself. I was one step closer to squeezing my way into the popular group.
Toward the end of the dance, she came up to me with all of her popular friends and asked me to show them all how to do the belly roll. I was elated.
Without hesitating, I did the most dramatic belly roll ever. It was absolute perfection.
“Niiiice,” said one of the girls.
“Thanks, it’s not too hard,” I said humbly.
“Could you do it again?”
When I finished doing it again, they were all laughing. My face flushed with humiliation when I finally realized they were actually laughing at me.
Needless to say, I didn’t squeeze my way into the popular group. Not even close.
Bad Experience #4
The fourth school dance I attended was bad enough that it got it’s own post. You can read it here.
Basically, I totally failed at asking someone to the “Snowball” dance. This is my worst school dance experience—the post is definitely worth a read.
Bad Experience #5
The last dance I ever went to was high school prom.
Get this: my date was eight inches shorter than me. Eight inches.
Why do I do this to myself?
In my defense, we were the only two single people in our group of friends, so we had no choice but to pair up.
Unfortunately for me, though, going to prom with someone that highlighted how huge I am wasn’t the worst part of my night.
The first boy I ever made out with was also at the prom. Even though I hadn’t talked to him in over a year, I still felt super uncomfortable around him. He was the type of guy who only wanted to hang out with me so we could “do stuff,” and it took me longer than I care to admit to see him for the jackass that he was. Hence the discomfort.
Of course he wasn’t just at the prom, he was everywhere I freakin’ looked. And not just standing around in a group of his buddies. He was straight up bending girls over, groping them, and grinding all over them.
I would move to another spot, thinking I could get away from him. Nope—there he was again with yet another girl grinding all over his crotch. At one point there were two girls dancing on him.
It was traumatizing.
Even thinking about it now makes me feel uncomfortable.
After that night, I spared myself any further traumatizing experiences and vowed to skip school dances for the rest of my life. The end.
The moral of the story
I hope you found some solidarity (or at least a laugh) through the telling of my five bad dance experiences. After all, it seems like all we can do now is laugh about it.
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